Anger and Emotional Control
by Ron Hughes
For a few months our family had some memorable neighbours in the apartment above us. Shortly after they moved in, we awoke one Saturday morning to unfamiliar sounds, loud, muffled voices and heavy foot stomping as an obviously agitated person paced back and forth above. After sometime of wondering just what was going on up there and whether we should intervene, we heard a piece of crockery bounce off the wall and shatter on the floor. This was followed almost immediately by the slamming of the outside door and footsteps descending the stairs to street level. Two quiet voices remained, so everyone was accounted for.
During the next few weeks, we found that this was to be a relatively common Saturday morning routine. All three of our upstairs neighbours were pleasant and helpful with us, but among themselves they interacted more “enthusiastically” than we were used to.
It’s hard to imagine life without anger because there are so many things that elicit this powerful emotion in us. Different things make different people angry. I don’t want to give the impression that all anger is bad. In certain circumstances anger is good. Sometimes it is the only right response. At the same time, anger can be one of the most potently destructive forces in our relationships. It can do serious damage to us if we try to keep it inside, but inappropriately expressed anger can harm others with whom we have relationships and weaken the relationship itself.
The challenge is to find a balance. How do we get it right? How do we express anger appropriately so that we don’t retain it and harm ourselves or blow up and damage a valued relationship?
An old proverb says, “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” (Proverbs 22:24-25 ESV). This wise saying reminds us that anger is contagious and thus warns us against spending a lot of time with angry people.
I suspect most of us know angry persons. They are not angry at any given situation or at specific people, though a specific event or person may have started it all. Now, their anger is so generalized that they are angry at everything and everyone all the time. The slightest trigger will set off an explosion of rage.
Think of a man who is angry when he is held up on the way to his work place, the factory where he labours. The lights don’t cooperate with him so he is slow moving through traffic when he finally gets to his work place he has trouble finding parking near his entrance so he is angry. He barely makes his way to the punch clock in time to punch in before the hour, maybe he even misses it by a few minutes so he is angry at the whole situation.
Ironically the same man making his way through the traffic without impediment, finding a parking spot right by the entrance, and getting to work fifteen minutes early may respond in anger because he now feels he is wasting his own valuable time at the factory and so rather than being pleased by the fact that he got to work very quickly and efficiently, he searches for some way to express anger. He is angry regardless of the specific circumstances. These just give him the opportunity to vent his fury.
You may see something of yourself in this. It doesn’t matter much what happens, your response is an angry one. Though sometimes your anger is perfectly legitimate, you find yourself becoming an angry person, someone who’s never content, never satisfied, always finding fault, always seeking more, frequently frustrated and consequently generally angry.
Angry persons often use anger as a device for manipulation. Why employ reason and negotiation skills when you can simply threaten a temper tantrum and get your own way. After an explosion or two, just the threat of an outburst is usually enough to prompt others to conform. It distresses me to hear someone say, “don’t make me angry with you.” You’ll hear parents threatening their children, you’ll hear spouses threatening each other, you’ll even hear children threatening their parents with “don’t make me angry” as if somehow their being angry were of such significance to the world that everything must stop and they must get their own way.
Understanding how anger starts is the first step in seeing how it can be legitimate. My observation suggests that anger most often arises when we perceive that things are not right. The closer the situation is to home the angrier we get. We may be angry in a general way that there are starving people on the other side of the world. Yet we are likely to be more angry if circumstances arise which prevent us from eating on time and we personally become hungry.
That sense of injustice can be triggered by other things besides injustice as we usually understand it. When something of yours is stolen the sense of loss can trigger anger. This is as true of things like your reputation as it is of your material possessions. When someone or something gets in the way of your reaching a goal, the sense of frustration can ignite anger. It seems unfair that something that seemed to be within reach was snatched away from you.
When we feel anger surging up within us, we need to step back a little and reflect. Often it is based on nothing more than not getting our own way. Someone or something may displease or inconvenience us and we respond with anger. This damages relationships needlessly. When someone does something that actually harms us (or someone else) in some way, anger is an appropriate response. Ironically, imagined offenses can elicit a stronger reaction from us sometimes than a real one.
Perhaps the greatest single good thing about anger is that it motivates action. We may be intellectually aware that something is not right in our world, but only when we are motivated by anger do we actually begin to do anything about it. All of our emotions are powerful motivators, but anger is certainly one of the most significant.
Finding a constructive way to deal with our strong emotions is a challenge that we all face. I was particularly taken by a quotation of Marcus Aurelius (second century Roman Emperor). He wrote: “How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” It reminds us that the results of an angry outburst are typically more serious than whatever triggered it. Once we start to lose control, it becomes very difficult to regain it until our rage is spent.
If we don’t deal with angry emotions constructively, we will do a lot of damage, particularly to relationships. At its most fundamental, anger is associated with hormonal changes in our bodies. The sudden rush of adrenalin gives us strength we are not used to having. So lashing out in anger can inflict physical harm as well as emotional damage to anyone who happens to get in the way of an outburst. When used appropriately and directed against the right things, anger can be very, very good in motivating us to action and getting things done that would otherwise not happen.
Just as uncontrolled anger tends to motivate us to do things which should never be done or say words which should never be said, controlled anger can get us moving on things which should be done or saying things which truly need to be said. Uncontrolled anger can make us physically violent and verbally incoherent, but the same emotion under control can charge our words and actions with passion, helping us to communicate more, rather than less, clearly. Uncontrolled anger typically elicits a negative emotional response from others who may experience fear or simply see your outburst as weakness. Controlled anger can draw out a positive emotional response from others who may be convinced of your argument and motivated by your passion.
All of us can find examples in our own lives where we crossed from controlled to uncontrolled expressions of anger. These situations should be set things right as quickly as possible. Bad situations have the habit of deteriorating over time. So if there really is an offence, it is best to choose an appropriate moment for a confrontation, have it and get on with life.
There is one very important thing to do when dealing with a situation where you are justifiably angry with someone else. Forgive the person. God has gone to great lengths to establish a means for forgiveness. The Lord Jesus Christ died on the cross for your sin so you could be forgiven. He also died on the cross so that the one who has wronged you can be forgiven. Don’t be afraid to leave your anger at the foot of the cross. That is where all of God’s anger against sin was born by his Son.
You’ll never find peace and be able to move beyond your anger until you come to terms with what happened on your behalf on the cross. Don’t worry that someone who deserves punishment may get off scot free. That is a final justice issue and belongs to God. Rather be encouraged that your own offences however significant or seemingly trivial, have been dealt with and that the mercy of God has extended to you.