Competitiveness
by Ron Hughes
In situations where resources are limited, competition over who controls and uses them is virtually inevitable. Competitiveness shows up under all kinds of circumstances and makes its presence known in different ways. It is common in relationships of all sorts - marriage, family, school, workplace, in fact, any time you have two or more individuals working together with limited time and resources.
While we all live with some degree of competition, a competitive approach to life will often affect your relationships negatively. I would go so far as to say that an unhealthy inclination toward competitiveness is deadly to relationships.
Let's begin by talking about different ways of dealing with conflict. After all, competition usually arises out of some kind of a conflict situation. One of the most common ways of dealing with conflict is not dealing with it. We might call this avoidance.
Another way we sometimes handle conflict is through "accommodation." We acknowledge that conflict is present and simply "give in." We go along with what the other person wants. Some of us are naturally wired to accommodate to other people. This is not a particularly good thing, either for our own psychological health or for the situation, since it does not necessarily guarantee good outcomes. The dominant person may not be the wiser one. Consequently, bad decisions get foisted on others and we've all had to live with those at times.
Now we come to competition as a mode of handling conflict, because a highly competitive person will often elicit an accommodating response from the other persons involved, especially if they don't care too much about the given situation. Some people have to win at any cost. It doesn't matter what the issue is, they have to win to feel secure, to feel happy, to be content with themselves and to feel good about the relationship. This isn't good for themselves or for others, but we all know those who are driven by the need to win every time.
It might be as trivial a matter as which grocery store to shop at. The highly competitive person will lobby for one store over all the others and have a need to get his or her own way. Not that one store is necessarily better than the others, but they need to win. The accommodating person on the other hand doesn't really care where they shop. There could be different reasons for shopping at different stores, but the accommodating person, who can see this, doesn't need to win and so consequently gives in.
When the accommodating person gives in repeatedly, the pattern of the highly competitive person always getting his or her way is reinforced. For the accommodating person, most of the time the individual issues don't matter much or even at all. Yet there is a danger in allowing a pattern to become established, because it will be very hard to break. Once someone is used to always controlling things, you've got a problem. In his or her mind, no issue is ever resolved until it is resolved to his or her satisfaction.
From time to time, situations will come along where the accommodating person knows more or has better insight about the how the individual situation fits into the big picture. Objectively, his or her plan has a definite advantage. However, the competitive person can't go along with it because he or she perceives that as "losing." If he or she "loses," the result is some kind of psychological distress which has fallout for everyone within range. At this point, the person who tends to accommodate is faced with forcing the issue and making a really big fuss or just backing down yet again and going along with the competitive person for the sake of maintaining peace.
Before I move on to something else, I want to respond to an issue about which someone is bound to be thinking. "What about playing games?" In sports, table games or party games there is always an element of competition if they are going to be fun at all. I know that there are a few activities that stress working together and team-building. These have their place and may be enjoyable and beneficial, but let's face it. They are not games. Whenever we talk about games we accept competition and it is a good thing. "Really?" you ask.
Friendly competition, sharpens skills and opens opportunity for interaction. In fact, this kind of competition can be a form of collaborating. I hasten to add that the highly competitive person won't see it this way, but if you can find a group without a highly competitive person, you'll see them enjoying friendly competition at a very high level. Everyone benefits from the game because people learn from each other. They interact. They learn. Relationships are strengthened. These are good things. In this low impact competition, nobody is trying to make a point. Nobody is trying to dominate the others. They are all working toward the common goal of enjoying each other's company. That said, let's move on.
Fortunately, avoidance, accommodation and competitiveness are not the only ways of dealing with conflict. There are others and one which often comes up is "compromise." When you compromise, you give a little to get a little. Labour negotiations are often models of compromise as a way to settle a dispute. If we could characterize the competitive mode as being a situation where there is always a winner and a loser, in compromise everybody loses a little and wins a little. There are some situations where this works well. It allows all of the stake holders to feel that, at least to some extent, they got what they wanted. It keeps one person from becoming overbearing and dominating the group, but I don't believe it is the best way of handing conflict.
The best way of handling conflict is through "collaboration." Avoidance, accommodation, competitiveness and compromise all have weaknesses which we don't find in collaboration. The Bible gives examples of all of these responses to conflict, but the preferred approaches are accommodating to the weak, collaborating with the strong and competing with the wrong.
Two words the Bible uses in connection with conflict are "strive," and "quarrel," but regardless of the specific words used, the concept is there over and over again. Earlier I referred to the idea that competition is sometimes just about control and has little tangible reward, yet the competitive person needs to win. It doesn't matter what the issue is. In 2 Timothy 2:14, we find Paul advising Timothy to tell those with whom he worked "not to strive about words to no profit, to the ruin of the hearers."
Here Paul indicates that it is easy for some people to dispute about things that don't really matter. It is entirely possible to have great conflict over things or ideas that are not significant. Not only is this unprofitable, it ruins the hearers. Heated debates about semantics or details in the way we do things can confuse or disgust those who overhear. The people involved may not be aware of this, but it has a negative affect on those who observe. It also has a negative affect on the people themselves, because they become angry. They act out in hateful ways. They stop loving. Peace disintegrates. Joy evaporates. Patience can't be found anywhere. Harshness creeps in. I am distressed when people debating social issues become so harsh that each side alienates the other, not just over the issue, but over the nasty way they address each other. Often there is little or no tangible reward at all to winning these "battles."
Tied to this is a verse in Proverbs that I find useful. Proverbs 3:30 says, "Do not strive with a person without cause if he has done you no harm." In other words don't turn competition into a game. If there is an issue that really needs to be confronted and dealt with, fine. Do it. But some people become habitual competitors. This can sometimes happen in a teasing kind of way, but then at some point it crosses a line.
When I lived in Ecuador, a missionary colleague of mine and I developed the habit of bantering back and forth. At first it was kind of fun, seeing who could win these verbal sparring matches, but eventually it became oppressive to me. It got to the point that we couldn't have any kind of serious conversation. Eventually, I approached this person privately and said, "We need to stop doing this because it is harming our relationship. As well, people who observe us from the outside don't get what is going on and they are seeing us as being something other than friends." Fortunately there was a positive response to this and we were able to escape the spirit of competitiveness. This serves as a great example of the advice "don't strive with someone without a cause, if he has done you no harm."
As we move on, I want to consider situations where competition is a reality, not just a game of some sort. When resources are limited, conflict often erupts. There are many examples in the Bible of competition over water wells. As I mentioned before, if you are a very competitive person, there will have to be a winner and a loser and in intimate relationships, this is not a good thing. It is not a good thing in individual cases, because the losers often feel hard done by and it is not a good thing in a general way if a pattern develops and one person always ends up winning.
The question then is "What is an alternative to competitiveness when resolving conflicts?" Let's spend a few minutes thinking more about collaboration a "win/win" option. Christians are encouraged to be collaborative rather than competitive. In Romans chapter 15, Paul says, "I urge you, brothers, by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to join me in my struggle by praying to God for me." Here is the idea that we would work together with others for a common goal. This is a life principle. When you can find a common goal and work with someone else toward that, then the division of the limited resources becomes less an issue, because all the resources are seen to be invested in your joint goal.
In 2 Timothy 2:24, Paul says, "A servant of the Lord must not quarrel (Don't be competitive), but be gentle to all able to teach, patient" and he goes on to list other characteristics of someone who is spiritually mature. There is a prophesy about the Lord Jesus Christ mentioned in Matthew 12 where we read, "He will not quarrel nor cry out, nor will any man hear his voice in the streets." Jesus had a purpose. He called other people to join Him in His purpose. Some joined Him. Some rejected Him, but Jesus did not take on His enemies in a competitive way. Rather, He was single-minded about going where he was going. With His collaborators, He just went ahead and fulfilled His purpose.
This prompts me to comment on those situations where someone might be trying to be non-competitive, but the other person always opts for the competitive approach. Here, I think we need to follow the example of the Lord Jesus. He was collaborative with those who would cooperate with Him and He went on His way focussed on what He was accomplishing. When those with other interests mounted a campaign against Him, He did not get drawn into a fight with them, because He left everything to God.
There is a Psalm that pertains to this. Psalm 35:1 reads, "Plead my cause oh Lord with those who strive with me. Fight against those who fight against me." In this case, the Psalmist had some who were being negative toward him. They were bullies, you might say. Rather than getting caught up in competing against them, he just asked God to take care of that for him. He was going to live his life righteously and he wanted God to vindicate him.
A passage in 1 Peter 2, sheds light on this, "For to this you were called because Christ also suffered for us leaving us an example that you should follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was deceit found in His mouth who when He was reviled (when He was insulted) did not revile in return, when He suffered He did not threaten but (now here is the key part) committed Himself to Him who judges righteously." Leave things with God. We are not the judges, juries and executioners in our relationships. It is not for us to rise up and have the last word. God will have the last word. If we commit ourselves to Him, then we are free from the bondage of trying to make things work out the way we want them to.
I want to continue with this because there is an important aspect to this passage in Peter that I want to highlight. We read, "When He was reviled He did not revile in return, when He suffered He did not threaten but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously, who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree that we having died to sins might live for righteousness by whose stripes you are healed for you are like sheep going astray and now have returned to the shepherd and over seer of your souls." This reminds us that the basis on which we collaborate with others is a spiritual one. The fact that Jesus died for our sin, removed the intense desire to win because the victory that Jesus won over death is one in which we can all participate. By committing our situations to Him, we can be set free from being drawn into competition with others which is harmful to all involved.
If you are struggling with competitiveness in your life, whether it's your own tendency or that of others who are trying to draw you into competition and always trying to dominate you and seeking to press their own opinion and getting their own way all the time, then the best spiritual answer I can give you is embrace the new life offered by the Lord Jesus Christ. This shifts the focus of things, significantly. You won't be in bondage to the individual who is trying to drive the agenda with his or her psychological needs. You can be free. This is part of the freedom that the Lord Jesus won for us when He died on the cross. Jesus gave up His life to free us from our sin all of it including our competitive tendencies which serve our own selfish purposes. If this is an issue for you, consider God's answer. He invites us to collaborate with Him in his eternal purposes. He is not willing that any should perish, and invites all to receive his new life though faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.
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Reply #1 on : Fri August 19, 2011, 05:55:07