Difficult Relationships
As you look at all the relationships in your life, some just naturally seem to be “easy.” You connect with these individuals and there is little stress or strain. These relationships tend to be nourishing to you. They build you up. You feel positive and energized after spending time with together.
At the same time, there are some people in your life with whom you have a “difficult” relationship. These dear souls deplete you. After spending a bit of time with them you feel empty. These relationships become a burden to you. It doesn’t take much reflection to identify “easy” and “difficult” relationships. Obviously we’d like to change those difficult ones into easy ones. We’d like all of our relationships to build us up and make us stronger as opposed to weakening us and drawing energy from us. So the question we are looking at today is “Does the Bible have any advice about turning difficult relationships into easy ones?”
Yes it does. The Bible has numerous pieces of advice about how to do that. The first thing we’ll consider is the need to find some shared values. We need to ask ourselves: “What are some things I can have in common with this other person – areas where we find something that matters to both of us in the same way?” Sharing values is number one. In 1 Peter 3, we find these words, “Finally all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another, love as brothers, be tender hearted, be courteous not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling (that’s trading insult for insult) but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you are called to this that you may inherit a blessing. For He who would love life and see good days let him refrain his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit, let him turn away from evil and do good, let him seek peace and pursue it.” Seek peace and pursue it. Be of one mind, have compassion for each other. These are all good pieces of advice in terms of trying to turn difficult relationships into easy ones.
So the first thing you need to do is find some things that you both value and then collaborate. Shared values make collaboration easier and when you are collaborating instead of competing you’ll find relationships to be much easier, less difficult.
There is another area we can look at and that is respecting. In 1 Peter 2 we read these words, “Honour all people, love the brotherhood, honour the King.” Honour all people. This is a huge area because in our world we just find all kinds of examples where people have contempt for each other. This is true on virtually every social issue. It seems that we are programmed to feel disdain and contempt for those who hold opposing views. This is a huge impediment to developing positive relationships.
As soon as we find something in someone that we dislike (it could just be an idea, an annoying habit, or some philosophical difference), we begin to pull away and turn that person into an enemy. We’ve lost the idea that we are to honour all people. We’ve overlooked the fact that God wants us all to respect each other, because we are all made in His image. The Lord Jesus provided a wonderful positive example of honouring others – even those who considered themselves His enemies. When He was being abused in the most hideous way, He showed deference to those who were abusing Him. He respected them as persons.
We’ve talked about sharing values, collaborating with each other and respecting each other. These are all child’s play compared to the next piece of advice I want to look at with you. It comes from Ephesians 5 where Paul challenges Christians to submit to one another in the fear of God. There you have it. I used the “S” word. This is a huge stumbling block for most people. We all have a built-in reluctance to give in to anybody else. This opens the whole competition issue.
Competitiveness leads to terrible waste in our life. Rather than building each other up, we tear each other down. Paul strongly encourages us to submit to one another in the fear of God. It is important to remember that it says, “in the fear of God.” We don’t submit to one another where violence, abuse, and evil are being perpetrated, but we can certainly submit to one another in the fear of God. Where morals and ethics aren’t a factor, we can just go along with the other person. We can give in. This does not make us less of a person. Our identity is not threatened by giving in. It is not the big deal that it is often made out to be.
James, in his letter (chapter 3), gives us the same idea. Talking about godly wisdom, he says, “The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield (same idea as submitting) full of mercy and good fruits without partiality and without hypocrisy.” If you insist on things being your way, you are going to have difficult relationships because a competitive spirit tends to draw competitiveness out of other people. You will find yourself in situations where you may be getting your way and the other person is always yielding, but be careful because this constant accommodation can become a source of resentment after a while. Resentment always weakens relationships. The Bible writers argue for mutual submission – giving in to each other. This is very important factor in turning difficult relationships into easy ones.
God says we are to pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which we can build each other up. So often, we are “responders.” We respond to our inner urges. We respond to our environment. But God tells us that we shouldn’t just be responders, we should be initiators. We should be taking the first step. That is to be like God, in fact. God took the first step in creating us, and took the first step in bringing us back to Himself. That is the kind of thing we are looking at here, being active in looking for ways to make the relationship better.
Let’s look at Romans 12 for an important concept. It says, “If it is possible as much as depends on you live peaceably with all men.” We have to give it all we’ve got and so often if you are in a difficult relationship it may seem desperately unfair. Why should you have to give in? Why should you yield? Why should you be proactive in trying to find ways of improving your relationship when the other person apparently doesn’t care? The answer to that question is that God says, “as much as depends on you.” He expects us to do absolutely everything we can possibly do to live in peace with others. Don’t give up. That is a high standard, but it is what God calls us to. Anything less would be disobedience. It would not allow us to taste the benefit of doing all that we are called to do here.
I want to draw your attention to a rather touchy issue. The passage says, “If it is possible as much as depends on you live peaceably with all men.” You may bump into people and you give it all you’ve got. You try to the maximum and they don’t respond. It does take two people to make a relationship. When all the energy is coming from one person, that relationship is not going to last. It can’t go on indefinitely. If one is always the giver and the other is always the taker, eventually the giver will run out of resources.
Here Paul leaves the door open and says that there may be some relationships that are so difficult that you will part ways. His words, “as much as depends on you” remind us that though we do everything to keep a relationship together, we can’t stop the other person from withdrawing. In peer relationships the other person also has some responsibility. In 1 Corinthians 7, he mentions this in the marriage context. He talks about situations where a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ is married to a non-Christian. He makes it very clear that the Christian is not to leave the unbeliever, but at them same time says, “If the unbeliever departs, let him depart.” You cannot single-handedly keep every relationship in your life going. There may be situations where the other person leaves. It is sad, but it is a fact in our world.
Let’s get to something a little more positive. Here’s the key to easing the stress of difficult relationships. Base them on the fact that peace with God is available through the Lord Jesus Christ. Here are three passages which remind us that God’s peace is available to us when we come to Him by faith through the death of Jesus in our place on the cross.
Romans 5:1 assures us that “having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” When we have peace with God and we experience His grace toward us, we are in a position to pass that grace on to others. We are able to let them benefit from the spiritual resources that God gives us.
Philippians 4:7 tells us that “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” The peace of God protects our intellect and emotions so that the stress of difficult relationships does not do us harm – permanent damage. We may feel tremendous hurt as those we love betray us, reject us, abuse us and so on, but our relationship with God gives us spiritual resources which let us get on with life in spite of the pain.
John 14:27 gives us the words of Jesus, Himself: “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” Here we find that God’s peace is not like anything we’ve ever experienced before. It’s not simply the absence of conflict, it is tranquillity and courage in the midst of conflict.
All of this sounds very good, but not everyone has experienced what I’m talking about. This peace to which I’ve been referring becomes available only as a result of being at peace with God. If you are still rebelling against Him, you’ll not have the inner peace which smooths the way in your human relationships. Most of us have little concept of how much our relationship with God affects our other relationships. The rule of thumb is this, peace in your human relationships is directly proportional to your peace with God.
Jesus Christ sacrificed His life to pay the moral debt you owe God. Because of selfishness and rebellion against God, you became disconnected from Him. Remember, He is the source of life. Connection equals life. Disconnection equals death. Jesus, who is God’s own Son, died to reestablish the broken connection. When you accept that Jesus’ death was yours, God gives you new life in Him. That’s the way it works. It’s almost like physics. When the momentum of God’s love overcomes the inertia of your sin, new life results.
Ron Hughes
© July 2006
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Reply #1 on : Fri January 16, 2009, 13:43:56